Suddenly you realize things your friends are posting on fb look gross and overwhelming to eat because they are too sweet… loaded with so much sugar it gives you a headache. These are things I would have been addicted to in the past. I would have catered to when I feel I’m my “fuck it” times, and now…. It just makes me sick looking at it. I feel pretty good and proud about myself right now.
Last week my counselor gave me this language to describe this over arching thing most of american’s are going through “Weight loss culture” and it struck a chord with me.
I maybe have touched on it before, but I don’t think I dived into the depth that I was ready for yet. I’ve actually had something saved on my google drive for about a year that is titled “The next best thing”. The next best thing, for me was whatever the new thing was for me I would follow, to accomplish the weight loss goals I was after. The goals, of course mean weight loss.
I talked about the unrealistically about this previously. But the bottom line is, no matter what you do, or how much you do it, and or how much weight you’ve lost.. You may never be satisfied with how you look… We are obsessed with this idea that we are NOT GOOD ENOUGH AS IS. We are trained to think that way, and get stuck in this weight loss culture obsession and get sucked into the “next best thing” or trend.
For me these trends would be the end all to everything: every eating problem I’ve ever had, every weight loss issue, everything and all of it. I WOULD BE CURED.
Here I am, 227lbs, highest ever 279lbs and I KNOW those trends don’t work for me. I have fallen for Weight Watchers, Solutions (a weight loss clinic), Nutritionist, Fitbit, My Fitness Pal, other running apps such as C25K, a personal trainer, HTC (for a hot minute), juicing, joining and dropping out of gyms several times a year, paleo, vegetarianism, and more.
Some of these ideas I’ve catered to briefly but have not fully fallen into their trap. Some, I’ve committed to for a significant amount of time and have had a lot of success with. Either way, I understand the commitment piece, the HIGH of accomplishing goals (weight loss), being rewarded for it, and then when you are no longer loosing, the disappointment and let down of being unsuccessful long term. I understand the BATTLE to stay committed, the mind games… and other things that go along with this addiction.
I read recently that Americans have spent 60 billion dollars over a year on gym memberships, weight loss products, trainers, apps, programs and more… If 75 million people are working towards loosing weight that’s an average of $800 a year! This culture is such a misconception. It has been a way for people to feed your insecurities while making a profit. If it works for them, then it will work for you! Plus, they know they can make money off of it. THEY KNOW PEOPLE WANT IT, SO THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO CAVE INTO THEIR RESULTS, to make a profit. Poor fools like me (probably you too) fall for it every time.
What we don’t focus on is, what works for us? What works for you? What does your body want now? How do you want to treat yourself? How do I want to treat myself, and what works for me?
Always, more to come!
Before I even knew what I knew when I wrote the last few blog posts I started changing the way that I was thinking. I mean… Come on, who wouldn’t want to stop that vicious and violent cycle running through your brain?
I started a painting series that is called “I AM”. (Painting has always been apart of my self care, and my own process.) I started creating this series before Thanksgiving and it came to me as I was seeing all of the signs around be say things like “Be Thankful” or “Be Grateful”. I grew up in a church that used affirmations to create change with in ourselves, so if you say something enough in your brain, you start to believe it, and then the goal is you become it. It’s a little cheesy. Anyway, when you read signs like that, it says “be ___________”, whatever that blank line is, it says BE that… Like you are not already that? Or you hadn’t been all along, or you are not right now.
My idea around the “I AM” seriese that I’ve been creating… is that when you read it as “I am Thankful”, it’s more action oriented. You don’t have to be it, you are it. It’s affirming you are “_____________”. I started to play with this a little more as a tool to help change some of my negative spiral thinking.
I had them all over my house for a while, and then I pulled them back and put them in my craft room so I can see them when I enter. It’s like a wall of positive self compliments. What’s better than that? I had some paintings that I painted that were all of the negativeness from my brain and body, and I replaced them with the positive ones. I will post both pictures. 🙂
Today wasn’t so bad, but it was tricky.
When I’m on track, or when things get hard, one of the most effective things I can do is be prepared. I didn’t really prepare last night for today, except pull out some taco filling I had frozen last week. I also had plans to make a smoothie in the morning with spinach, protein powder (It’s called RAW, dairy free, soy free, vegan, and vegetarian), almond milk, frozen fruit and water. Today I woke up suddenly, and was in a hurry. I got dressed really fast, and followed through with my smoothie making plan. It really doesn’t take that long, so I shouldn’t have any excuses really.
I toyed with the idea of not bringing anything else, and a little voice in my brain said… Rachael!!! You know better. I have been getting the lettuce and spinach in the container, and threw some in a container to take with me to eat with my taco filling (fake beef (Quoran), corn, onion, bell pepper and chilies). The vanilla creamer is apart of a routine that I can break, and I know it… It just takes practice. I’ve also done sugar free flavors in the past, and they were not triggering to me for some reason which was great.
I ate my lunch around 12:45, and was hungry again around 1:45, which I ate two single serving tuna packets, and some walnuts as a snack later in the day. I keep several tuna packets in my desk drawer at work which help me when I forget to bring food to work.
There were several moments today that I felt I needed or wanted to eat candy. We have a bag of it in my work space. A co-worker was actually eating it right in front of me. At-least they were Tutsi-rolls, I don’t like those. Another co-worker also brought a giant bag of chips into work today and was munching on them all afternoon, AND another one went and got a cheese burger. Tomorrow I think I’m going to practice not paying attention to what they have and how much they have.
I wanted an extra cup of coffee in the afternoon, but opted for a cup of tea instead.
It’s the end of the month, and I get paid tomorrow. I looked at my bank account today, and realized I had a little bit of extra money. Another co-worker bought a pizza yesterday after work, and it really stuck with me. I could pick up a pizza on my way home I thought! After realizing what I was thinking, I had to shut it down. It’s not that I will never eat a pizza again, just trying to get through this week, and the next few weeks and months. I think pizza will come again. I just need to get through the brain pieces.
Dinner came, and I made buffalo fake chicken (Quoran) and cauliflower. I had seconds, and all I want to do is eat some of the Halo Top ice-cream in my freezer. It’s 745PM, other than being tired because I didn’t sleep well. I’m full and happy. I’m going to finish drinking my 2nd water bottle for the day, and tomorrow I plan on drinking 3. It’s important to continue to increase my fluids as coming down off of sugar and carbs could give me a head ace.
I’ve got this!
Self care looks very different to different people.
Recently I met with my counselor and we brainstormed some self care things. Of the list I made she said that she really liked the one of me “laying in bed with out electronics quietly” best.
Its the only one where I was still and almost in a meditative position. When I’m feeling at my lowest, or rather when I’ve had a bad day, my boyfriend will come home and find me in my bed. Usually with my phone, but more recently just being still in the space. It’s because its a place where I feel safe, and cozy. It also gives me the opportunity to be still in my mind and body, which I rarely allow myself to be.
It’s important for self care to be simple sometimes. Realistically, it maybe all we can really can handle at the time. I know at least for me, sometimes when I’ve engaged so much with people, or I’ve been really busy, or have had a rough day… All I want to do, is not do.
When we are engaged with something, we tend to use it for dissociation from the actual problem itself. This is okay, as long as we don’t get stuck here, or rather there. Then it becomes this cycle we cannot get out of. Dissociation, is much larger than this blog post can handle and something I am very good at. Briefly though, we use it to pretty much pretend like the problem doesn’t exist, and use something else to replace it, or to cope with it.
As an example for me: as a child I would eat food and watch TV. I would do this because I was lonely, I would do it because my father didn’t engage me, and also because well frankly he wasn’t nice to me all of the time. I used television as an escape from my problems. Dissociation is deeper than just that, it becomes a problem sometimes when you are engaging with people, suddenly you drift off in mid conversation. It’s like the light is on and nobody is home… It’s separating yourself from what you are feeling and what is present.
Self care, until recently has been watching television and zoning out. At this point it isn’t really self care anymore. It’s habit, and it isn’t serving me. Now don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy binge watching TV, and I think it is and can be very useful in relaxing and unwinding.
Because self care has been so repetitive, it is important to sometimes just be alone with yourself, with no distractions.
Other things I enjoy doing, and are also self care things include: Walks with friends, tea, warm baths, painting, cooking and writing. They are things that I want to take over instead of the “Nothing” things that I do (like zoning out on tv). Like all things, new habits take practice. Until then I will lay in my bed, quietly for self care until I am ready to actually do the other things. Until then, they are just fun. 🙂
I have gained 30lbs back, and this is what I kept track of before I stopped weighing myself.
What gives you say? AND YOU DID WHAT?!
Well… First of all lets address the “I stopped weighing myself piece”.
I stopped weighing myself because of the nasty games I would play in my brain. You know the ones. What really took the cake, was when I had lost weight, or when I wasn’t as heavy as I thought I was, I used it as an excuse to eat more. How fucked up is that? I can’t believe how weight, or a scale can manipulate you like that.
When I did weigh myself, I would find that I would be disappointed in myself. I found that it made me feel like shit, and my self worth would be less if I wasn’t down in weight. I know that I feel like my self worth is based on my weight, so why would I keep continuing to use a tool that would continuously re affirm something so nasty.
I know there will be a point where I will have to weigh myself again. Like if I go to the DR, or eventually I’d like to get to the point where I am able to step on the scale to check where I’m at, and not let that number control what happens to my mind or body.
It’s been a pivotal step in my growth, and helping me gain back my self worth.
I don’t really care about the weight I’ve gained back. Okay I do, but not in the way that you would think. I care because I can’t keep buying new pants. I’m broke.
I’ve been really trying to focus in on things that are important to me, and following my dreams.
This is not a weight loss journey, it is a journey to help my self become a better person and to stop fighting this obsession with food.
I wanted to talk for a minute about perceived progress.
As you know, I’ve talked about progress in the past, in a very specific way that has been more geared towards the relationship with food, and my voice in food… And really the way I can manipulate my food in order to get the results I want with my body.
This is not the message I want to get across when I talk about progress. It’s not about weight loss, it’s not about the manipulation of your surroundings to get the results you want in your body.
I will talk more about my voice in food in the future. I think I mentioned it before, but It is a huge important part of this journey.
I’m a fucking addict. I have codependent traits and recently they came out in different ways that I didn’t really expect.
Something that has been holding me back from my weight loss and the real picture staying on track with my food and my personal journey has been the amount of drinking I’ve indulged in lately. Actually, it’s more than just that, it’s much deeper and a little unsettling.
I have mentioned before my awkward manner, if I haven’t here is a little window into that… I am socially awkward, super introverted unless I have to be, which leaves me to be anxious and unsettled in social situations… of course this is unless i choose them myself and have some sort of investment in them.
Lately I’ve been engaging in social situations I hate, and it’s not because I want to, but because I’m being supportive of friends who want me to be there AND I want to be and like to be social (Such an oxymoron). Either way I’ve been coping with alcohol, which has been helping but not exactly in the way I am most interested.
I was using it to stay social, to numb out, to appear to be engaged, to make it through, or to listen to peoples antics. It’s something to do, to keep my mind busy while people go on and on, or to stay engaged, or to appear normal among a crowd.
Either way, it’s holding me back. It’s engaging that little coping addict inside, and feeding it in a new way. Once I picked up on this, I stopped. I stopped drinking, and using that as a crutch. What this means is that I’ve had to stop showing up to some of these things, and recognize that it’s okay. It also means that I need to be more present in the present as I’m with my friends. It also means that I need to breathe through the anxieties and the boredom.
When I say I’ve stopped drinking, i don’t mean that I’ve stopped completely. I will still have a drink, and usually it’s a beer I enjoy. It’s usually more of a mindful act and I am really careful about how and when I drink it. The mindfulness and presence I think is the key.
It also might mean that I need to branch out a little bit. Find people who’s conversation makes my spirit sing.
I posted a while ago about the progress I’ve made with my eating disorder.
With ordering food the way I want, and the things I do less and less these days.
It’s been a while since I’ve read that post, and all though yes, I’ve made progress… In the last year, that progress has allowed me to stay complacent in my addiction issues… Lord Voldemort (See previous post), muwahahaha, has taken over and allowed me to use these progress ideas as staying intact with its evil side.
I’ve been getting better about getting out of the spiral thinking. It has taken a lot for me to call a friend, or go for a walk, write, read, make lists, make some tea, take a bath…or engage in a different activity in order to get out of it.Sometimes the dwelling takes over and I just have to wallow in it sometimes and that’s okay too. (More on the dwelling later and the importance of grieving).
I’ve been getting really good at being more honest about my food stuff with my friends, family and strangers (less likely with strangers). This has helped normalize what has been going on for me, but also has allowed my family and friends accept me for the whole person I am. I want to say that sharing my story has been much harder with strangers, but as you can see that’s not true (since I’m sharing with you).
The biggest lie I’ve been telling myself though has been… “I don’t binge like I use to”. I binge with more awareness these days, awareness of the why I do it, and when I do it and the whole time I’m doing it. I don’t zone out and I choose different foods to snack with or binge with (Mostly because I don’t keep certain foods in my house). In the end, I still do it and that is indicative of the ED (eating disorder).
The more I share also with my friends, family and strangers, the more complacent I have become with it. Somewhere and some how I have accepted it, and have made it okay to eat foods that are alluring that suck me into my ED.
So here I am with my progress… Not quite where I was, not quite where I want to be, and more growth to come… After all, it’s a journey, not a destination.
I’ve always felt like I was two people. The one who is an addict and the one who is fighting to be herself. As my eating disorder shifts again, I am reflecting on it’s direction and the nasty part of myself that I really hate to admit is there. The addict inside lours me into so many things, and sometimes when I eat things it doesn’t feel like I have a choice.
I recently met with my counselor who talked about the addictive self and how sometimes it reacts and lours you in to things with out you even realizing it’s happening. It’s an entity that takes over and strikes when you least expect.
It’s also that piece that lives inside your brain that allows us to get caught up in a spiral of negative thinking. The one that goes in circles of how bad of a person you are. The one that calls you fat. The one who says, step on the scale and see how fat you are today. The one that says, you are too fat to do anything else so go ahead, sit on that couch AGAIN today (actually, it really says, go ahead sit on that couch again today because no one likes you, or everyone is too busy to hang out with you). Or the one that allows you to make excuses for your behavior, again. Excuses like… Oh you don’t want to go to the gym with me, I guess I won’t go. It’s an enabler for unhealthy behavior. **I chose unhealthy behavior instead of bad behavior because I no longer want to stigmatize myself as bad.
It likes making sure you are alone, so it can fully take over your body. No matter how many boundaries you set up for yourself, no matter how prepared you are the sneaky addicted bastard steps in and says “I know how I can get her to come back to me”. You know how Voldemort takes over people in Harry Potter and makes people act like his puppet? Gets them to do anything he wants, and makes you his puppet!?
That’s it. The addiction, says “drink, go ahead, drink with your friends, you will have fun, it’s the only way to connect with anyone, it’s the only way to not be awkward, its the only way to fit in…” What he’s really thinking is… “If she drinks, she will eat, and in a few days that girl will be all mine again”.
LORD VOLDEMORT also says things like… “It’s CHRISTMAS!!!! Everyone else are eating cookies, go ahead, treat yourself, you’ve been so good this season” What he’s really thinking…. “Later… I will have her with a whole box of Christmas snacks on the couch, where we can be alone together.”
You are probably thinking, what the fuck? This is the best way recently I can really describe it. It builds you up, allures you in with it’s goodness, and then it isolates you, beats you down and abuses you. You get so numb that you just sit there on the couch watching TV, or crying because you don’t think you can stop. Voldemort, at that time is winning.
Unfortunately it’s been isolating me lately, and after my last counseling apt my counselor spelled out all the ways that I had made excuses and was isolating myself in the last few months in about 5 sentences. She called me out, and all I could say was “That FUCKER”, relating to the addict self.
She is helping me get “Clean” again. Cutting out all the shit that allures me in and well of course I will continue to write and see her. I will no-longer be dancing for Lord Voldemort.
**In the future I will be writing about authentic relationships, and the impact while being sucked under lord Voldemort.
Lifebinge 