I went to a quarterly, or bi yearly all staff meeting, today. You know the ones, 100+ people in the room, participating in trainings, ice breakers etc. 

I write about it today because I’ve worked in 3 different areas of my organization. Some of the people, actually most of them have seen me at my heaviest, and they have seen me at my lightest and TODAY I walked in 30lbs heavier than my lightest.

What does this mean? Well nothing other than that really. My obsession with it, probably means more than anything. But it feels awful walking into a room with this expectation I should be lighter.. or the idea of the expectation that I should be lighter. But I’m not, and it kind of feels embarrassing, and a little shameful. 

And at the same time, I don’t care. I wore the most comfortable clothes I could today because I knew I would be sitting a lot and I wanted to be comfortable. I didn’t try to hide it. I wanted to be okay in my skin right now. So I practiced this feeling of being okay with how I look.

I also know that where I’m at right now is temporary and I’m trying to figure out what  my diet is and taking ownership in that. While doing that I have to learn to be okay with the present moment, and the person I am right now.

Hard stuff.