recovery

Why I said yes after all that.

Posted on by Rachael

Needless to say I should have moved out of Jacob’s earlier, but I didn’t. It was a lot, and I checked out nearly for the whole year. It was all pretty traumatic, and deep. I was in a place of unknown. I was literally stunned and didn’t know how to deal or what to do. My breaking point hit me when deciding to move out, was waking up and realizing that my mental health, food, and self care was circling the drain. I should have left earlier. (Should have), but I didn’t and I can’t put myself down for not.

I said yes, because he finally got his head out of his ass and stopped over thinking things. He told me that he owe’d me, getting married that is. When we broke that down, he meant that I had been with him through a lot, and I was still there for him. He doesn’t have the knack for saying things kindly. He told me, if he were going to get married to anyone it would be me. He told me he didn’t want to go through the whole meeting someone and falling in love with someone again thing.

I said yes because we make a good match. He is my best friend, and we accept each other for who we are and don’t try to change one another. We have a lot of fun together, and love each other unconditionally. These are the reasons why I didn’t leave, because despite the huge difference at the time these other things existed.

—Also at the end of the day, when all things were said and done… he didn’t want to loose me. How can you say no to that, plus all of the other things.

I do have to say… I kind of wished the space between him and I getting back together were longer. I really wanted some time to myself to breathe and work through some things on my own. I could have set that boundary, but moving back in seemed like the right thing to do, with all of the other things going on.

Am I scared? of course. I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with one person. I will be sharing some of the most intimate moments of my life with them. We will be sharing finances, a house, parenting, and more with each other. All new to the both of us and uncomfortable. Also… Joyful, because we have picked each other.

 

 

 

 

Timeline:

Posted on by Rachael

I know I have dumped a lot today.

I just wanted to give a time line of the last year and a half or so, just so you can see what’s been going on.

A year ago… in September of 2016 I made the decision to move out of the house I was living in with Jacob and move on from that relationship. A friend also passed away at this time.I thought I was going to live by myself and to do that I needed to make more money, so I applied for new jobs and went to several interviews over the next year.

In the Spring time of 2017 I found out that my dad had gone into a home. I was told by one of my sisters, and at the time I didn’t know what to do.

At the time with the breaking up with Jacob (took me almost a year to leave), I decided to do nothing about my dad.

I started looking for a place in June to move in with roommates. I found a place and moved out in August.

In October I moved back into Jacob’s house and we were engaged and started planning a wedding.

In late December of 2017 I received a call from my brother stating dad was in the hospital. I visited him in January of 2018, the day after he got out of the hospital…. And he passed early March 7th.

—All of these things were hard, and I made it through at my own pace.

I disabled Facebook.

Posted on by Rachael

You won’t find me there, so yah. It became really easy when I realized that I could keep Facebook messenger, and get rid of the other part.

I did it in January, because of all of the things that were happening in my life.

It became super overwhelming and I became very addicted to “scrolling” through Facebook and checking out in the process.

I also was tired of reading every-ones bullshit. Because people only really post things to create an allusion that their life is something… Something that it is or isn’t. I was getting caught up in this world of drama, that I didn’t want to be apart of anymore.

I also got caught up in some self worth by how many likes I got, who was saying what and how people were reacting to me. I know that posting things and getting involved with FB is a choice, and I just didn’t want to make it a choice I could access for a while.—So i could actually focus on myself, and what my needs were, versus what others want to see or want me to be.

Some positives that have come out of it: Perhaps my relationships are improving. A friend of mine invited me to her birthday in person because she realized I didn’t have Facebook and wasn’t apart of her event thing on FB. So that’s cool—

I think It will swoop back in my life in a few months. Facebook is a great way to get a hold of everyone during wedding times.

What I haven’t told you.

Posted on by Rachael

I moved back in with my partner in October and were getting married.

I moved out in August, with this lovely gal I met off of craigslist. I think I wrote about this experience earlier.

In September, Jacob and I started to talk. He suddenly had all sorts of things he wanted to say to me. We met in person at his house, and talked for hours– Mostly him wanting to tell me all of the things he didn’t have the courage to say before. I left his house, more confused than before, with him saying that “If I made a move I know what hat means” –We would get engaged and get married… and eventually have a child.

The next day he invited me to watch the football game with him on Sunday.

I was even more confused than before. And rolled over in my head and conversation with him that I didn’t know what to do… I ended up at his house again, and we talked more about us being together and what that would look like. He said he wanted to marry me, but needed more time. I told him I was done waiting for him. That’s when Jacob got quiet, he put his head down and after a few seconds he began to cry and said “I want to Marry you”

I moved back in, in early October and — Our official engagement happened in November. He wanted to take me out for dinner, and all weekend kept trying to get me to go out to where we first met, but couldn’t get me out of the house. While I was downstairs brushing my teeth, he had lit candles in our bedroom, and had hid my ring in one of the empty jewelry boxes on my dresser. When I found the ring, he got down on one knee and asked me to Marry him. And here we are, engaged and planning a wedding.

Recent Lessons

Posted on by Rachael

In my last post I talked about the voices in my brain about self worth being the voice of my father. Thinking about it in that perspective has been a game changer.

My partner and I were arguing about something and I was able to talk myself out of self talk from this new perspective. I was brushing my teeth, walked away and was spiraling fast into some negative talk that was bad. —I don’t even remember what I had said to myself, it really doesn’t matter. Mid brushing, I stopped and said Whhhattt. Like what just happened there, and realized that it was my dad’s voice that was plaguing me. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t my voice. It was his. Okay, not his directly, but it became clear that it was another entity other than myself. —Mind you I thought about this the day before I found out he was back in the hospital.

————-As a disclaimer, I have felt this a lot in the past. I have felt that this other piece of me was a different person. Now that I’ve identified that it was “his voice” and not mine, it seems more clear than ever. It was easy to change the perspective of it not really being me.————-

Sunday my partner and I were digging out our fire-pit. We were trying to decide on how we would do something, and we both had ideas about how to do it. In the process I also was unable to help in the way that I wanted to. I got really mad and snotty with him and then just ended up keeping my mouth shut. Suddenly I got really tense and mad about the situation. I started spiraling in my brain… and what I started to do was separate myself from those thoughts and feelings to why I felt them. I realized that I felt those things because I felt criticized and un-empowered to help. With criticism, comes the self doubt of I’m not doing a good enough job.

Separating my thoughts from his thoughts and words… really this other being that I’ve been fighting for so long has helped me move forward from a lot of bullshit. I’m looking forward to growing  more from this new perspective and seeing what happens.

It’s suddenly spring again.

Posted on by Rachael

Grief hit me yesterday as I was driving home from some shopping. It was a beautiful day and as I was driving I noticed the cherry blossoms had started to bloom. It hit me like a ton of bricks, Dad would never see spring again and I nearly had to pull over because of the tears.

The more that I’ve been thinking about it, the more I realize that he stopped seeing spring a few years ago. As he aged he developed Alzheimers, and lost all control of his mind. It’s kind of ironic, because he spent most of his life fighting to gain control over situations and people. —At least that was my perception.

I found out last Monday that he was back in the hospital and it would be a few days before he passed as they were not treating him. I found out while at work, and was in shock. I went home and I yelled. I was so mad at him. I was mad because of his claws that he’s had in me since I was a child. It’s the voices of “You are not good enough” “your voice doesn’t matter’— From my bed, under the sheets, I sat up crying and yelled “You’ve stripped me of my self worth” Because he did. Those voices in my head, the ones that have haunted me for so long were his voices.

Grief is such a weird thing. It comes when it wants and leaves as if nothing every happened. I haven’t told many people, other than those at work and a few close friends. It’s a really hard thing to say out loud. Most of the time I’m okay, and then out of the blue I get whiff of sadness and I don’t even know what triggered it or what to do. I do know that I’m going to be okay. –I’ve learned some things, which I will write in another post.

 

 

 

Today

Posted on by Rachael

It became clear how badly I needed to address myself. My body, my mind, all the things…

I’ve been neglecting myself, and my mental health.

I cried to my mother today, and I made a call to my nurse practitioner. I made a decision to follow through. I had anxiety addressing some of my barriers, but I did it. I’m proud, scared and unhappy. Something needed to be done.

June 2017

Posted on by Rachael

In June I watched a movie on Netflix called “What the Health”.

I was in shock. To say the least.

I mean, I knew how badly animals were treated, and how many preservatives and chemicals that get pumped into any animal product… I did not really really know or understand to the extent, enough to become full vegan before.

If you have not seen it yet, or are interested in watching it, there were about 5 minutes of the whole film I could not actually watch, and covered or closed my eyes. I was disturbed. Sickened actually.

There were a few human subjects on the film who had become vegan, to show how a vegan diet can change your body, so that they would not longer have to take the medications that had been prescribed because of their previous diets. My only Beef of the film had to do with these human subjects. The study they did lasted two weeks and the people were off of their meds and functioning. I would have loved to have seen a longer version of this study to capture a stronger message.

I have always said… I wanted to be a vegan, but I loved cheese too much. I wanted to become a vegetarian, but I would be terrible at it because I don’t eat beans or soy very well.

Because of this movie, in June of 2017, I became a vegan. NO more excuses.

Of course with every Diet there are people’s limits and what they feel comfortable doing. At this time I am not eating any animal product, and have not started living a full vegan life style.

Like I’ve said many times before, I am just trying to eat in a more intentional and intuitive way.

Last week:

Posted on by Rachael

I’ve been on the verge of a binge.

I have felt it coming on for a few days now.

I have a lot going on in my personal life and some second hand trauma from work that is really weighing me down. I wasn’t sure who to reach out to, to prevent myself from actually binging.

This was me last week.

I was alone in the office when I wrote it. A lot was building up, and at the time my coworker walked by and luckily we have a relationship where he let me vent.

I hadn’t slept well, and I was really just on the verge of loosing it.

I did not go into a full on binge. I did drink, but not too much.

I feel okay… I feel okay right now.

I FORGOT ABOUT FOOD

Posted on by Rachael

I forgot there was a bag of chips in the cupboard.

As someone who has been so obsessed in the past, and would know everything that was in the cupboard at all times. —I can’t believe how much I’ve recovered and how much I’ve changed.

I remember living with my friend who had food in her house, so much so it was overwhelming. She would forget what she had and would buy more. So much so that she would have several unopened and opened bags of chocolate chips in her cupboard. But I knew, I was obsessed with food. Always thinking about it, always knowing, always always always.

A few weeks ago, I opened the cupboard, and saw a bag of chips in there. I had forgotten I had them. It was a pivotal moment in my life. It was suddenly as if the gates opened and the light shined through. It was a moment to celebrate!