Gas-lit stories I have told myself

I’ve written in the past about the stories I’ve told myself, and also now recently gaslighting. 

I wanted to write a little bit more about the actual stories I’ve told myself that I’ve been working to un-do. 

I’m bad: Which truly umbrellas all of the things below. Not only does it umbrella them, but it also gives leverage for my brain to believe all of these other negative things. You are bad, so people do not want to hang out with you because they don’t like you, because you are not whatever enough. For example if you want to hang out with a friend, and they say that they cannot. It’s not because they don’t want to, but probably because they are busy, or may have their own anxieties that have nothing to do with you. What I’m about to say is totally real, and I sometimes fall into this thinking still, but more often than not, I do not give it fuel but… I seriously thought, and have thought that people have not wanted to hang out with me because I was ugaly, gross, and fat. I’ve spent too much time in my own anxiety, over analyzing what I say, how I should have said it differently, and investing in things to “be better” (makeup, dieting, etc) for other people. None of this makes a difference to other people, you want to want it for yourself, or do these things if you want to to be a healthier version of yourself. 

I have believed I’m not good enough: I think this is the most present thread that runs through my brain unconsciously and consciously. More unconsciously than consciously now. You know that phrase old behaviors die hard? Yah, when I’m feeling like at my worst, it’s generally because nothing really brings me joy and I think what is the point. 

A few examples: 

Recently I’ve been making an effort into applying for jobs. I’ve been really trying to work through some of the I’m not good enough for more advanced jobs because of whatever non-existent reason other than my own anxiety. Up until recently I’ve done a lot of avoidance of applying for new jobs because I have this ingrained belief that I’m not good enough. The fears (and stories I tell myself) that run through my brain are: I’m a terrible writer (for cover letters), there are always better candidates, I’m not good at selling myself. 

For the last few summers I have been going to a friends house to help her with her garden. She is someone I’m building trust with, and I feel so blessed to have met her. She is a new friend who is accepting, and kind. Last summer I texted her and said, I feel like I’ve been super lazy because I haven’t been doing much with the garden. She texted me back and said… You are not lazy and other positive things that helped me self validate back things that were positive. I had these ideas, that she thought I wasn’t doing enough with the garden, and that had turned into something bigger than it needed to be. It turned into anxiety, more avoidance, and paranoia. What helped was addressing the issue at hand, which was my feeling of being not good enough. I can’t remember what I said, but maybe something like I feel like I’m not doing enough, like I’m lazy, (and not the huge emotional drama that goes with it), and because she is great, she responded how she did. With compassion, understanding and consistency. 

I have believed people do not like me because of:  I just wrote about this about being bad. But seriously, it has been ingrained in my brain before, especially in finding partners. I am too fat, I’m too ugly. I have felt like because I was too fat and ugly, that I wasn’t deserving of someone who treated me better. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I do not believe that now, just so yah all know. But it’s true, it’s sad, and awful that I let myself feel that way.  I want to emphasize that I would victimize myself so much when I was in my 20’s about people not liking me, that this was my biggest paranoia and also a gaslit thing I did to myself. I would actively make up stories about things people were gossiping about me, just to validate my own paranoia roll. I mean seriously! It doesn’t fucking matter what people think about you. 

I have believed I’m ugly: I have fueled this belief with so many things; being fat, acne, picking, comparing and contrasting myself to others. These are my own personal validations I’ve had in the past. Also, it was validated based on what people have said to me (to my face or behind my back) in the past. This is something that is an issue that we have across our world about what beauty is defined by and what people say is more beautiful than someone else. I’ve been learning not to compare myself to others in terms of my own beauty, and it is fucking hard. It’s also something I consistently work at. 

I have believed I’m fat (truth and): Not funny, but literal truth. I am fat. I’m not 280lbs anymore or close to it, but I’m fat and have fat. AND it shouldn’t limit me from life. It has built up this stigmatization that because I’m fat, means that I can’t do things. I shouldn’t wear certain clothes, I shouldn’t go certain places and I’m lazy. It often means that I am less than and I’ve believed that for most of my life. It means so many things it is not. Truth is… I’m fat, and I kind of just laugh about it now.

Funny side story: Last spring I had lugged all of my painting stuff to a park nearby from my apt. I was carrying a backpack full of things and some canvases. It was obvious I was struggling, and had to put things down to rearrange my stuff. A man kept watching me (not in a creepy way), he just noticed I was struggling. He yelled across the street if I needed help, I assured him I didn’t. I was only a block from home. He asked if I was pregnant (not sure why that was important, other than assumptions he was making and also to show his further concern about my predicament). I just responded with this laugher in my voice, no, just fat. I wasn’t offended or upset, mostly just thought it was funny. He was of course embarrassed, but his assumptions at this time didnt affect me or my life. 

As you can see above, a lot of these are intertwined, and have similar messages. I do have a lot of body dysmorphia, and I’ve come a long way in my thinking. It’s not as severe as it use to be, and It’s not really a surprise that these thoughts don’t change overnight, but with practice, it gets better and they get quieter while your new ones take the lead.

My power candle.

I don’t even know where I got this idea, but it’s super cheesy so bear with me. I have a power candle for when I work out. I was at Michaels spending money like a good consumer, well for my wedding. I was buying craft supplies. Anyway I came across this candle and I bought it. I also found this notebook that tracked work outs. Both were on sale, and the moment I got home I put on my work out clothes and decided to light this candle and let it be my power candle. I imagined only positive things coming out of it, and turned all of my negative self talking into positive thoughts. I kept repeating over and over.. I’ve got this, keep going, only one more time, I’ve got this. And I felt amazing.

I also made a new painting that said “I’ve got this”. And I can’t help but smile when I look at it. I’ve worked out a few times last week, like 2-3 times, and so far twice this week. It’s not a lot, but it’s a hell of a lot more thanI had been doing before!

After all this time.

I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

I’ve talked about these voices (I mean self critic, I’m not hearing voices). Let’s just be clear, it’s my inner voice that I’m talking about. But this self critic who has been holding me back, the one I’ve deemed my dad’s voice, is really myself. And I know that, but I’ve trained myself into being the biggest and worst bully of them all. All of those people who harassed me and made me believe I wasn’t good enough, has really trained me to be my biggest bully. I am my biggest bully. WTF.

Working out and self bullying.

I think I’ve posted before that I’m a cereal gym member and never really have been a goer. This has always been for reasons that seem really terrible at the time, but now feel super petty. It’s also the excuses I’ve made up in my brain about the reasons why I shouldn’t go to the gym.

I would join gyms because I thought it was the right thing to do. I would join them and be pretty good about it for a month or two and then something stops me from going.

One time I was working out at the gym a lot, I had a trainer and everything that I had gotten as a gift from my mom. What “ruined it” for me that time was this desk attendant. Every time I would come in, he would ask if I was meeting me with my trainer. I about lost it and eventually stopped going, because I avoided having that conversation with him. I lost motivation, and also, felt judged in my brain which then spiraled into a nasty fest of self doubt, confidence and self hate. You know the words: You will never be able to… or you are not good enough… etc

Anyway, what ends up happening, is me judging myself and comparing myself to other people at the gym. I’d get so wrapped up in what I wasn’t and what I couldn’t do, that working out was more stressful to me because of how much I would make up in my head about it and what the consequences would be. So frankly I would just give up. Now that I think about it, going to the gym under this mind set was super self harmy to my mental health. I was being my own self bully. Wow.

I mean, most of these are just excuses and reasons for me to not do it. Which seemed easier than actually doing it.

Next post is about what steps I’ve been taking to overcome this mentality.

What (almost) just happened?

First of all, getting married, while in recovery from an eating disorder is bullshit. I’m going to write more about this in another post when I have more time to think about it, and also insert some really positive words of wisdom.

What it has done though, has allowed me to reevaluate where I am in my life, and what I could be doing better at.

What transpired was my first dress fitting. My undergarment wouldn’t fit. I was mortified and upset. I breathed through it, decided I was going to loose 10lbs, and ran my mind through circles. Okay….. I have to pre warn you that I didn’t spiral so bad, it just felt like it. I just felt this sense of urgency. In less than 100 days I will be getting married. Fuuuuuuckk.

The re-evaluation was just an evaluation of where I was at mentally, how I was spending my time and what I was eating. I also started working out… this week it’s been 2x, but more recently I’ve just been trying to move my body more in general.

So what happened, or almost happened but didn’t… I didn’t give up an I encouraged myself along the way. I said you’ve got this, you can to this, to myself over and over.

I don’t mean to go off topic for a second, but remember how I wrote about my picking problem before? —- well anyway I was laying on the ground, doing a leg exercise, my belly popped out. I kept exercising, but noticed an inperfection on my belly, where I had something that seemed pickable. I started to touch it, and then what happens next totally surprised me…. I stopped. I looked at my belly and said picking will not make this better, and it doesn’t temporarily make anything better. I mean, logically we know this.

I just feel really proud of myself in those moments and it suddenly became really easy to be nice to myself. It feels good to be loved by myself.

It’s a small victory, but pretty impactful in the process.


It became clear how badly I needed to address myself. My body, my mind, all the things…

I’ve been neglecting myself, and my mental health.

I cried to my mother today, and I made a call to my nurse practitioner. I made a decision to follow through. I had anxiety addressing some of my barriers, but I did it. I’m proud, scared and unhappy. Something needed to be done.

June 2017

In June I watched a movie on Netflix called “What the Health”.

I was in shock. To say the least.

I mean, I knew how badly animals were treated, and how many preservatives and chemicals that get pumped into any animal product… I did not really really know or understand to the extent, enough to become full vegan before.

If you have not seen it yet, or are interested in watching it, there were about 5 minutes of the whole film I could not actually watch, and covered or closed my eyes. I was disturbed. Sickened actually.

There were a few human subjects on the film who had become vegan, to show how a vegan diet can change your body, so that they would not longer have to take the medications that had been prescribed because of their previous diets. My only Beef of the film had to do with these human subjects. The study they did lasted two weeks and the people were off of their meds and functioning. I would have loved to have seen a longer version of this study to capture a stronger message.

I have always said… I wanted to be a vegan, but I loved cheese too much. I wanted to become a vegetarian, but I would be terrible at it because I don’t eat beans or soy very well.

Because of this movie, in June of 2017, I became a vegan. NO more excuses.

Of course with every Diet there are people’s limits and what they feel comfortable doing. At this time I am not eating any animal product, and have not started living a full vegan life style.

Like I’ve said many times before, I am just trying to eat in a more intentional and intuitive way.


I forgot there was a bag of chips in the cupboard.

As someone who has been so obsessed in the past, and would know everything that was in the cupboard at all times. —I can’t believe how much I’ve recovered and how much I’ve changed.

I remember living with my friend who had food in her house, so much so it was overwhelming. She would forget what she had and would buy more. So much so that she would have several unopened and opened bags of chocolate chips in her cupboard. But I knew, I was obsessed with food. Always thinking about it, always knowing, always always always.

A few weeks ago, I opened the cupboard, and saw a bag of chips in there. I had forgotten I had them. It was a pivotal moment in my life. It was suddenly as if the gates opened and the light shined through. It was a moment to celebrate!


Up until now I thought I was invincible. Or that death was this far off thing I didn’t think would happen for me. I don’t think that I’m going to die anytime soon, but as I grow older… the more I see time slipping and the people I thought would never leave this planet are.

My dad is in the hospital. With the flu. There is a slight chance he will recover and if he does, it seems as if he has less than a year to live. After all this time, after all of this created drama in my brain and now feeling like I have to cater to him one last time??? To give a little perspective, he’s 87. His chances are like 50/50 at this point, and if he does recover, he’s got like 6 months left.

I bought a plane ticket, I leave a week from Thursday. I’m going there, to see him. He won’t know who I am, he won’t know why I’ve come, but I’m doing it anyway.. why? So that in 10 years I won’t regret it. I’m not sure he will make it until I get there. I don’t really know what else to do.

YouTube idea

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Instead of giving you all of the excuses, I’m just going to jump right into it.

I’ve been having some attention issues at work, and part of what has been helping me has been watching these YouTube videos on my phone, or rather listening to them. I’ve started following some YouTubers, one of them plays the sims and records videos, and then creates these videos of her playing the sims. This transpires me into wanting to play when I get home and I’ve become obsessed. Sooo obsessed that I’ve been creating stories in my brain about the families I’ve been playing, giving them all of the money in the world so they could have all of the things they want. I’ve played for hours upon hours over the past few months. Like, maybe 5 hours a day……………. and I will just leave it at that.

I have watched this YouTuber so diligently that I’ve been thinking about, how awesome would it be if I started making videos of my sims play. I mean, get paid to play video games and and make videos? Duh Genius!

As I was talking with my therapist today, I realized…Duh, I’m just giving justification for my newest addiction.

Hilarious, back to reality. 🙄