egagement

Working out and self bullying.

Posted on by Rachael

I think I’ve posted before that I’m a cereal gym member and never really have been a goer. This has always been for reasons that seem really terrible at the time, but now feel super petty. It’s also the excuses I’ve made up in my brain about the reasons why I shouldn’t go to the gym.

I would join gyms because I thought it was the right thing to do. I would join them and be pretty good about it for a month or two and then something stops me from going.

One time I was working out at the gym a lot, I had a trainer and everything that I had gotten as a gift from my mom. What “ruined it” for me that time was this desk attendant. Every time I would come in, he would ask if I was meeting me with my trainer. I about lost it and eventually stopped going, because I avoided having that conversation with him. I lost motivation, and also, felt judged in my brain which then spiraled into a nasty fest of self doubt, confidence and self hate. You know the words: You will never be able to… or you are not good enough… etc

Anyway, what ends up happening, is me judging myself and comparing myself to other people at the gym. I’d get so wrapped up in what I wasn’t and what I couldn’t do, that working out was more stressful to me because of how much I would make up in my head about it and what the consequences would be. So frankly I would just give up. Now that I think about it, going to the gym under this mind set was super self harmy to my mental health. I was being my own self bully. Wow.

I mean, most of these are just excuses and reasons for me to not do it. Which seemed easier than actually doing it.

Next post is about what steps I’ve been taking to overcome this mentality.

Why I said yes after all that.

Posted on by Rachael

Needless to say I should have moved out of Jacob’s earlier, but I didn’t. It was a lot, and I checked out nearly for the whole year. It was all pretty traumatic, and deep. I was in a place of unknown. I was literally stunned and didn’t know how to deal or what to do. My breaking point hit me when deciding to move out, was waking up and realizing that my mental health, food, and self care was circling the drain. I should have left earlier. (Should have), but I didn’t and I can’t put myself down for not.

I said yes, because he finally got his head out of his ass and stopped over thinking things. He told me that he owe’d me, getting married that is. When we broke that down, he meant that I had been with him through a lot, and I was still there for him. He doesn’t have the knack for saying things kindly. He told me, if he were going to get married to anyone it would be me. He told me he didn’t want to go through the whole meeting someone and falling in love with someone again thing.

I said yes because we make a good match. He is my best friend, and we accept each other for who we are and don’t try to change one another. We have a lot of fun together, and love each other unconditionally. These are the reasons why I didn’t leave, because despite the huge difference at the time these other things existed.

—Also at the end of the day, when all things were said and done… he didn’t want to loose me. How can you say no to that, plus all of the other things.

I do have to say… I kind of wished the space between him and I getting back together were longer. I really wanted some time to myself to breathe and work through some things on my own. I could have set that boundary, but moving back in seemed like the right thing to do, with all of the other things going on.

Am I scared? of course. I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with one person. I will be sharing some of the most intimate moments of my life with them. We will be sharing finances, a house, parenting, and more with each other. All new to the both of us and uncomfortable. Also… Joyful, because we have picked each other.