Snow day!

Remember when you were a little kid and you prayed and prayed for a snow day? Once it started to snow you would sit by the window, and watch it fall, or go outside and run around, make a snowman out of hand fulls of snow that barley even covered the ground. Or… Stayed up late, watching it fall, and praying for school to be canceled. Only to wake up and there is more snow on the ground and school actually has been canceled!

That’s like me today, big kid snow day!!! YAY! And I’m using it to my full advantage. I laid in bed this morning, so tired from staying up the night before, fully taking advantage of the not having to wake up early for work thing. So it was 9 am when I blinkingly opened my eyes. I groaned a bit, and closed them, wishing to be sleeping again, but said NO RACHAEL.

Backing up a bit, I’ve been watching Glee re-runs. I know I know, cheesy right? Well, after the last year I’ve been sitting on the couch a lot, playing video games and watching TV. I’ve been running through re-run after re-run of the same old shit, and well… Glee makes me happy. So I started to watch it, and I started to get excited with all of the dancing and movement that takes place… So before going to bed I googled some youtube beginners dance videos to prepare for the next day, well… I wasn’t sure if I was going to actually do them, but I knew I had to at-least start somewhere.

So… This morning when I woke up. I thought about coffee as usual, and a shower, and then I thought.. Well if I’m going to shower today at some point, I should work out, and if I’m going to work out I need coffee. I pulled out my work-out clothes from the bottom of my dresser drawers, and put them on almost unwillingly, took my socks from my top drawer and bobbled down the stairs. I didn’t have any coffee at my house, and assessed the road situation with the snow. (PS it is still snowing) The main road looks fine, but in order to get there I’d have to plow my driveway. PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR WORKING OUT… DID I DO IT. NOPE!

I did make some green tea, I did pull my laptop out and set it up for a work out video. I did two-15 minute intensive dance video’s. A friend was writing to me through out the first one, so I took a lot of breaks, and the second one I went right through. I mean 30 minuets isn’t a lot, but it’s a start right?

I also have a small coaching business on the side and at this time I only have one client. She had written back to some questions I had asked her, and I jumped on board with responding, and here I am writing this post.

My short term goal: Work out for 30 min three times this week, or every week at any point in the day.

My long term goal: Get up early, like 6 am early, and work out for 30-45 minutes every morning.

Triggers come when you least expect.

When pregnant girls say they are like a giant whale. My mind goes to “shut the fuck up”. It’s hurtful. It’s like you are saying you are fat, and like me. I feel like I’m a giant fat whale, and have been for most of my life. It’s heartbreaking to hear and it’s hard to see when people are at a healthy weight say that about themselves… being pregnant is temporary. Being fat can be temporary too. But when you struggle with it for life, it starts to seem like a forever thing.

After hearing my friend talk about her beautiful pregnant self like that, in a jokey way… I got super self conscious and went home and ate some brownies (after being full from dinner) that we had hidden in our microwave from the night before. I felt so shitty about myself I did it anyway. I mean if I am a whale already, I might as well not only eat like one but maintain the look.

My anxiety about my body swarmed my mind. I know people have started to notice the weight coming back on. I know I have had to buy new pants. It’s hard to be so consumed about how I look all the fucking time and how people perceive me…. and how I perceive myself. Still fucking un worthy of anything. Shitty.

This thinking, is very weighing both physically with the weight and also mentally. I feel it in my face, I feel it in my sholdures, my tummy where the skin is expanding from the stress eating and my legs. Food as a coping mechanism is shit and it’s been the hardest thing to break myself from. I can’t just quit eating food.