Addiction

Scale no more.

Posted on by Rachael

I have gained 30lbs back, and this is what I kept track of before I stopped weighing myself.

What gives you say? AND YOU DID WHAT?!

Well… First of all lets address the “I stopped weighing myself piece”.

I stopped weighing myself because of the nasty games I would play in my brain. You know the ones. What really took the cake, was when I had lost weight, or when I wasn’t as heavy as I thought I was, I used it as an excuse to eat more. How fucked up is that? I can’t believe how weight, or a scale can manipulate you like that.

When I did weigh myself, I would find that I would be disappointed in myself. I found that it made me feel like shit, and my self worth would be less if I wasn’t down in weight. I know that I feel like my self worth is based on my weight, so why would I keep continuing to use a tool that would continuously re affirm something so nasty.

I know there will be a point where I will have to weigh myself again. Like if I go to the DR, or eventually I’d like to get to the point where I am able to step on the scale to check where I’m at, and not let that number control what happens to my mind or body.

It’s been a pivotal step in my growth, and helping me gain back my self worth.

I don’t really care about the weight I’ve gained back. Okay I do, but not in the way that you would think. I care because I can’t keep buying new pants. I’m broke.

I’ve been really trying to focus in on things that are important to me, and following my dreams.

Perceived Progress.

Posted on by Rachael

This is not a weight loss journey, it is a journey to help my self become a better person and to stop fighting this obsession with food.

I wanted to talk for a minute about perceived progress.

As you know, I’ve talked about progress in the past, in a very specific way that has been more geared towards the relationship with food, and my voice in food… And really the way I can manipulate my food in order to get the results I want with my body.

This is not the message I want to get across when I talk about progress. It’s not about weight loss, it’s not about the manipulation of your surroundings to get the results you want in your body.

I will talk more about my voice in food in the future. I think I mentioned it before, but It is a huge important part of this journey.

Confession

Posted on by Rachael

I’m a fucking addict. I have codependent traits and recently they came out in different ways that I didn’t really expect.

Something that has been holding me back from my weight loss and the real picture staying on track with my food and my personal journey has been the amount of drinking I’ve indulged in lately. Actually, it’s more than just that, it’s much deeper and a little unsettling.

I have mentioned before my awkward manner, if I haven’t here is a little window into that… I am socially awkward, super introverted unless I have to be, which leaves me to be anxious and unsettled in social situations… of course this is unless i choose them myself and have some sort of investment in them.

Lately I’ve been engaging in social situations I hate, and it’s not because I want to, but because I’m being supportive of friends who want me to be there AND I want to be and like to be social (Such an oxymoron). Either way I’ve been coping with alcohol, which has been helping but not exactly in the way I am most interested.

I was using it to stay social, to numb out, to appear to be engaged, to make it through, or to listen to peoples antics. It’s something to do, to keep my mind busy while people go on and on, or to stay engaged, or to appear normal among a crowd.

Either way, it’s holding me back. It’s engaging that little coping addict inside, and feeding it in a new way. Once I picked up on this, I stopped. I stopped drinking, and using that as a crutch. What this means is that I’ve had to stop showing up to some of these things, and recognize that it’s okay. It also means that I need to be more present in the present as I’m with my friends. It also means that I need to breathe through the anxieties and the boredom.

When I say I’ve stopped drinking, i don’t mean that I’ve stopped completely. I will still have a drink, and usually it’s a beer I enjoy. It’s usually more of a mindful act and I am really careful about how and when I drink it. The mindfulness and presence I think is the key.

It also might mean that I need to branch out a little bit. Find people who’s conversation makes my spirit sing.