Processing something else from my middle schools days I came across this revelation in my progress I wasn’t expecting. It was deeper than expected, and all though it seems like a duh thing I was so blind by its simple complexity.

I wear make up, I have ever since I can remember… okay probably middle school sometime I started wearing it. I wore it, and it became this mask I was hiding behind. I felt better when I wore it, and for some reason more confident. What I didn’t realize until most recently was that I wore it because I wanted other people to like me better.

They didn’t like me as is, I felt it and knew it. I wanted to be someone else. Makeup provided some security in that in helping me achieve that. I have believed this to be true with a lot of things that I’ve done to myself the last 25 years or so.

I’ve done this through make up, clothes I’ve worn, rapid weight loss, posessions and more. It’s sad. It’s incredibly heartbreaking to witness yourself do all those things because you wanted to be someone different because that’s what you think people want to see and experience from you.

It doesn’t leave room for yourself who is fighting hard to be itself, and when you don’t listen you suffocate your true self.