Triggers come when you least expect.

When pregnant girls say they are like a giant whale. My mind goes to “shut the fuck up”. It’s hurtful. It’s like you are saying you are fat, and like me. I feel like I’m a giant fat whale, and have been for most of my life. It’s heartbreaking to hear and it’s hard to see when people are at a healthy weight say that about themselves… being pregnant is temporary. Being fat can be temporary too. But when you struggle with it for life, it starts to seem like a forever thing.

After hearing my friend talk about her beautiful pregnant self like that, in a jokey way… I got super self conscious and went home and ate some brownies (after being full from dinner) that we had hidden in our microwave from the night before. I felt so shitty about myself I did it anyway. I mean if I am a whale already, I might as well not only eat like one but maintain the look.

My anxiety about my body swarmed my mind. I know people have started to notice the weight coming back on. I know I have had to buy new pants. It’s hard to be so consumed about how I look all the fucking time and how people perceive me…. and how I perceive myself. Still fucking un worthy of anything. Shitty.

This thinking, is very weighing both physically with the weight and also mentally. I feel it in my face, I feel it in my sholdures, my tummy where the skin is expanding from the stress eating and my legs. Food as a coping mechanism is shit and it’s been the hardest thing to break myself from. I can’t just quit eating food.

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