My inner voice is screaming at me!!! Again!!
We all have this voice inside our head that says all the things we don’t want to hear. Sometimes it’s as if we do not have control over the voices and things pop into our head like “you are fat” “It’s okay to accept that you will always be this way”, and the most recent one “You have deprived yourself for so long, just do it”. These are things I, or rather a lot of people struggle with on a consistent basis and I will just be honest, I’ve been generous with the words that I’ve given her when I speak of these voices. They are generally more sickening, and darker than I’d like to even admit sometimes.
I have quite a few friends, and a few who are closer than others. Two of my closer friends this week have said things that have affected me in multiple ways.
My boyfriend is a very kind, accepting person. He doesn’t like to admit his sensitivity sometimes but he really does care and respect me as a person. He has loved me at my heaviest and has been a part of this journey in a very unique way. At my lowest I told him if I ever got over 200 again that I needed to re-evaluate what was going on. I also told him to tell me when I was starting to get heavy again, no matter what.
As a disclaimer I’m not saying being heavy is BAD, just my actions being heavy are bad. I also don’t really like using the word bad, because putting a negative connotation on it makes this a negative experience and what I’ve been doing for all these years is not BAD by any means. It’s a coping mechanism for something larger that I created as a child to help cope with life. These habits not healthy and eating food in this way is consuming me, almost more than I’m consuming it.
For me, this is all a slippery rope as I have experienced throughout the years. To go back to before my disclaimer, he looked at me as we were watching TV around Christmas and said “Well, are you giving up?”. He said this probably after the 3rd or 4th chocolate, or cookie, or whatever I had walked to the kitchen for and came back to the television to eat. I was a bit shocked, not offended because I prepared myself for this conversation. This is what my inner voice had been telling me the past two weeks, though not quite the same way and most definitely not as confident or straight forward.
I don’t think I said much to him about this comment, other than the NO! I delivered at the time. I then began to think about his words and process what he said over the next few days, and no I wasn’t going to give up (as I turned to writing this blog post).
My other friend has been struggling with her weight also the past few years or so also irked me with some feedback about my progress. Recently she sucked me back into my fit bit which keeps track of my daily steps. She went on a run and invited me to join her for a walk after a bit, I agreed even though I had another agenda. I made a lot of excuses a mile in for not wanting to walk and she kept trying to talk me into staying and said “I know you haven’t been happy lately so I wanted to encourage you to keep going” (or something similar to that). Earlier I sent her a text message with a picture of my weight with a message stating “It’s time to come clean again”.
Both of these people in my life care about me and have permission to say things like this to me. What they don’t know is that these comments jab in my side. They didn’t call me names, they didn’t say I was fat or sugar coat their feedback. They were only being supportive of my goals and original commitment to my self. The comments that they said, only reflect what my inner voice is screaming just in different words. As I mull this over as I write, I remember how uncomfortable I felt when they said those things to me.
These times, where I’m at my darkest (which I will openly admit that I am right now), I am the most raw and sensitive to things. Being raw means that no matter what I do next I am easily influenced in both good and bad ways. It’s a very delicate time, it’s exhausting, frustrating, full of rage, and oodles of other amazing emotions.
To really break it down it feels like I’m drowning. I’m exhausted from swimming to shore, and treading water but never really getting there. I feel consumed by food, consumed by people talking about food, being worried about food, and when and what I will eat next. I’m frustrated because these thoughts are not easily controllable and are ever present. I’m frustrated because I don’t feel significant motivation o change. I’m angry at myself for allowing it to consume me. I’m angry at other people for it being easy for them (even though I know it’s not), I’m angry at my boyfriend because he can eat anything and not gain weight. I hate myself because I don’t feel like I can keep my head above water. With all of these feelings running through my body at once, it wears you down.
With this said, it’s a good opportunity for self reflection, and taking some time to rejuvenate my introverted self. Good thing I took this week off. J Taking this week off was necessary, and couldn’t come at a better time. Since hearing those things from my friends, my attitude has changed. These friends of mine were actively being cheerleaders in my progress. They knew that I needed to hear these things, and I needed to hear them in order to move forward in my progress. Were they hard to hear? Yes? Were they necessary? Yes. Do I want them to keep talking to me about hard things? Hell yes.
They may not know exactly what I’m going through; most people don’t, as everyone’s journey is different and even if you have experience in something you still don’t know what the other person is dealing with inside. They especially have a hard time understanding what I am personally going thorough,because they do not have experience directly with eating disorders, or addiction. They won’t understand the battle I struggle with most every day and that’s okay. It’s not really my job to get them to understand. I just appreciate that they accept and love me for who I am and will always be my cheerleader no matter what.